Kiss of the Gallery Guard

Kiss of the Gallery Guard 050618 By Carol Dance M: 612 403 194 174 P: 612 8060 6485 carol.dance@iinet.net.au Carol Dance, 2017-07-31 Registered with the Australian Writers Guild No: JB011110 Kiss of the Gallery Guard 050618

Production Notes Venues: The Kiss of the Gallery Guard is written for performances in art galleries, schools, community centres or similar venues. The actors can stand throughout the entire play so there is less need for raked seating or raised stage. Minimalist: There is no set, only a few props and few costumes. Running time: The play runs for about 90 minutes. The time can be extended if the director wants the optional musician to play longer between the scenes. Musician (optional): A pianist, violinist, flautist or guitarist plays as the audience enters (providing a welcoming atmosphere) and briefly between the scenes. The musician is logically in the story because the dialogue describes the musician playing in the foyer of the galleries, the play s settings. Adaptations: With a few simple changes the script can be adapted to be suitable anywhere. The Art Gallery in Sydney can be replaced by National Gallery of Victoria or the Art Gallery of Ontario, the Prado in Madrid and so on. Shearing the Rams can be replaced with The Canadian Mountie. Imagination: The paintings and the sculptures discussed by the characters are not in the venue. There is no statue of the Discus thrower; there is no painting of the Shearing of the Rams and the other art works discussed by the characters. Actual artworks are not needed. Touring: The play is suitable for touring 4 actors, no set, a few costumes and only a few props. Characters: Woman actor age 18-35 plays Amber; is in every scene Other woman actor plays Ms Black, Monique the thief, Karen, old woman, elderly woman and Guggenheim guard Male actor age 25-40 plays Charles. Male actor plays Peter Brown, Crying Man, Charles, John the thief, and the shearer ALTERNATIVELY, one actor can play the gallery guard and three to twelve other actors can play all the other roles. FB/scenetheatresydney scenetheatre@iinet.net.au 61403 194 174 www.kissofthegalleryguard.net.au (online until September 2018) The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 2

Scene 1 The Modern Room, Art Gallery of NSW, Sydney Amber, a woman gallery guard (age 18) is stage front, looking out over the audience. She has a handset phone and a whistle on her belt. Mr Brown, an older guard, stands beside her. When the directions call for a character to look at a painting, there is no actual painting. Brown: So we ve been through all the gallery rooms now. I ll stay most of the day in this room with you. I hope you will enjoy working at the Art Gallery, Amber. It s a good job. Amber: Thanks, Mr. Brown. I love that there s a guitar player (violinist, pianist) in the Gallery s foyer. He (she) is really good. Brown: Which galley room did you like the most? Amber: Maybe I like the one with all the nude statues of men. Next door. Brown: The ancient Greek Room. Amber: And this is the moderns, right? Brown: Yes, this is the modern gallery. Some people call it abstract art. Amber: And up there, that s the security camera, isn t it? Brown: Yes. There s one in every room. Amber: I suppose the camera can see around the entire room. Brown: Yes. Amber looks at a painting, behind where the audience sits. Amber: Do you like this one, Mr Brown? Brown: This one? Not really. Just blobs of orange and blue. Amber: It s bright. It s bold. You can sort of tell they are supposed to be people. She walks to the label and reads. Amber: Surrealism. Painted in 1925. Brown: What else? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 3

Amber: It s made of oil. Brown: It s painted in oil. Amber: Yes. Painted in oil. (reading label) It s The Kiss, by Pierre Mirror, French, 1891 to 1976. So he was 34 when he painted it. Brown: That s all you need to know. Only what s on the label. Amber: OK. But what s surrealism? Brown: That is. Amber: Suppose someone asks me what it is. I should know what surrealism is. Brown: We re in the modern room, Amber. No point in trying to understand anything in here. Just tell people to read the label. You only need to know where the toilets are, what time the gallery closes, when and where the tours start and where the restaurant is. Don t get into any discussions with anyone about anything. Just guard the paintings. Amber: OK. Brown: I always wanted to paint. But nothing like these. I d paint something people could recognise straight away. A beach. A bush scene. Even just a lone tree. Or maybe two trees standing alone, like it was me and my wife standing there. The two of us, you know, like it s us looking at the world together. Amber: Would you be pine trees or gum trees? Brown: Oh, I don t know. Maybe I d be one kind and she d be another. I ll think it through when I retire. Amber: Maybe you could paint on your day off. Brown: No, I m not in the mood yet. So where are you from, Amber? Amber: Rivalong. Brown: You re a long way from home. What made you come to Sydney? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 4

Amber: You ve never been to Rivalong, have you? Brown: No. Amber: If you had, you d know. Nothing to do in Rivalong. As soon as I finished high school I knew I would get away. I applied for hundreds of jobs in Sydney and finally got this one. I wanted to come to the city. You know, see the world. Go everywhere, see everything. I might even make it out of Australia one day. London, New York. All those places. Brown: How long have you been here? Amber: I been here a month, on the training program. Staying with you some of the day is the last bit of the training. I m on my own tomorrow. Brown: I remember my first day on the floor alone. Amber: Yeah? Brown: I was standing in the Australian room staring at Shearing the Rams. Now that s art, none of this silly surrealism stuff. But after an hour of nothing happening except me watching a painting of sheep being sheared, I started asking myself how was I ever going to get through the day doing absolutely nothing. But I did. Amber: And you re still here. Brown: I am. The Art Gallery looks after us. They move us from room to room so we don t get bored. You ll be fine, Amber. Amber: Don t worry, Mr Brown. I love this job. I liked it right from when I saw the advertisement for it. I kept going to the Rivalong library to read the Sydney papers to find job adverts. Imagine. Me. Surrounded by all this great art all day long. At home we only have the Farmers Almanac calendar on the wall for decoration. But look at me now. It s wonderful. I love it here. Brown: Always wear good shoes. With padded insoles so your feet don t get tired. Standing on your feet all day can wear a person out. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 5

Amber: I m fine on my feet. I was a waitress in Rivalong all the time I was waiting to get a job in the city. I m used to it. At least there s no rushing around like there is at the Rivalong Bar and Grill. This will be a easy just standing around. And it s cool in here. Brown: Yeah, it s about 40 degrees outside today. Lots of people come into Gallery to get out of the heat. Amber: 40 is nothing. Gets up to 50 sometimes in Rivalong. It s just lovely in here. I love this place. Brown: Good, Amber. That s good. You ve found a place to live, I guess, if you ve been here a month. Amber: At the Youth Hostel on Liverpool Street. I got my own room. Don t even have to share with my sisters. My own place. It s got a window that looks out over Hyde Park. And there s a café there. I don t even have to cook, like at home. And there are these little restaurants all around. I m trying them all out. And I can just walk from the Hostel through the Park to the Gallery. It s perfect. I m finally here. I ve got everything I ever dreamed of. And look at all this wonderful art all around. They walk around looking at various paintings Amber: Yeah, Pierre Mirror. And over here This one by Jean Arp. Arp. Funny name. And over there, a Magritte (pronounced wrong). And that one, Salvador Dali (pronounced wrong). I better find out how to pronounce these names in case somebody asks. Brown: They won t ask. And if they do, you shouldn t answer. The Gallery has tour guides they trained real well to know all that. You don t have to know anything about the paintings themselves. Amber: OK, Mr Brown. Brown: So you re fine if I leave you now, Amber? It s my lunch break. I need to get away a while. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 6

Amber: You go. I m fine. There s nobody here anyway. Brown: Yeah, but did you check at the desk about who might be coming, like they told you to do in training? Amber: I did. A school group is coming through around midday. No problem. The teacher is with them. Brown: What age? Amber: It said primary school. (elementary school). Brown: OK. It s impossible to know exactly when the class will arrive here. If they come while I m gone, watch for kids who just have to touch a painting. Some just have to. I ll be back in about an hour. There is a guard in Ancient Greek statues next door if you need anything. And you ve got the handset and whistle. Amber: Yup. All good. OK. See you later then. Brown exits. Amber walks around the room studying the paintings and reading labels. She holds up her hand as if she is painting. The teacher enters, guiding unseen children into the gallery. Teacher: Come on in. That s right. Now all sit down. Jimmy, not there. No, over beside Katherine. Now sit quietly and look at this painting. Take a few minutes to think about it and then I ll explain it to you. Jimmy, no. Stay there. There. Shhh. Shhhh. This painting is called The Kiss. (She reads from a booklet.) Uh, You see how the painter used colour? It s almost all orange and blue yet you can see distinct figures. And parts of the people are missing yet you can still tell it s two people. Maybe they are kissing. Maybe they are having a dream. You can t see all of the arms and legs but you can imagine where their arms and legs might be. The artist is letting you use your imaginations. It could be a man and wife kissing. Or it could be a mother gently kissing her young child. Or a woman sweetly kissing her elderly mother. Amber: I can t see a mother in it. The teacher looks at Amber. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 7

Amber: Sorry. I shouldn t have said that. Teacher (reading) The meaning of The Kiss remains elusive. We can see that the artist never copied from something else. It s unique. He invented a whole new pictorial space where our consciousness moves around and around. There s an immediacy in the painting. We can imagine the speed the artist used to create the effect. The painting has been set in motion. The artist has created a three dimensional space on a two dimensional surface, changing the world that comes and goes and perhaps finally the people in the painting dissolve into space, perhaps as humanity eventually dissolves into nothingness. Amber laughs out loud. Teacher: Each of us can make his or her own interpretation of what The Kiss means. By leaving out lots of things in the painting, the painter Pierre Mirror lets us make the painting say whatever each of us individually wants it to say.. Jimmy Stop that. Just sit still. Brown enters. Amber is intently watching the painting and listening to the teacher. She doesn t see a child about to touch a painting. Brown: No no. Don t touch, young lady. Go back to your group. Teacher: Clara, what are you doing? Come back over here and sit down. None of you touch anything, all right? Now stand up. We ll go to the next room, the Ancient Greek gallery. That should be easier to explain to you. Amber: Excuse me, Miss. Are you sure you want to take a bunch of little kids into there? Teacher: Why not? Amber: Have a peep next door and decide for yourself. The teacher looks into the next room. Teacher (whispering): Oh, I see what you mean. That would cause the children to go completely silly. Beautiful men they had in Ancient Greece. I ll take the children the other way. Thanks for the warning. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 8

(loudly) Ok class, we ll go back to the Australian room and concentrate on the paintings of sheep. Teacher exits with children. Amber: Sorry, Mr Brown. I didn t see that little Clara about to touch the painting. Brown: That s because you were thinking about the painting the teacher was talking about, The Kiss. Some people think being a guard is easy, Amber. But it s not. One little distraction like you just had and a very valuable piece of art could be ruined. A child with grubby hands. An old woman loses her balance and leans into a painting. A thief even. Someone could easily take one of the small paintings and just run. So don t get distracted. Your job isn t to understand anything here, only to keep it safe. Amber: Yes. I m sorry. Brown: It s not your fault. I shouldn t have gone off to lunch knowing a school group was coming. On my way to the staff lunchroom I saw them coming so I turned around and came back. Amber: I liked what the teacher said though. Brown: Yeah? What d she say? Amber: It was about this one, The Kiss. She said it could be about a woman kissing her elderly mother. I don t see that in it. Brown: Neither do I. Amber: Maybe it s about a young woman just wishing she had someone to kiss. Brown: Is that you then? Amber: Me? Brown: Are you a young woman wishing she had someone to kiss? Amber: Na. Not me. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 9

Brown: I was just teasing, Amber. Just joking. We gallery guards like to kid around. Just for something to do. Amber: I don t want anyone to kiss. I m happy all on my own. I have two sisters and two brothers and my Nan lives with us, too. No. I like being all on my own in my room, with my nice view of the park, and then coming here to see all this. Brown: Someone told me this painting, The Kiss, is about the subconscious. That because the artist left so much out, our imagination has to fill in the rest. But it s our subconscious that does the filling in. Amber: What s a subconscious? Like the thing that s inside the head we don t really understand? Brown: I think. The subconscious knows things we don t know we know. Amber: I know there are lots of things I don t know, like I don t know much about painting, or about artists or about lots of things. So I m pretty sure my subconscious doesn t know about art stuff either. How could it? Brown: I think it s that the subconscious knows about how we really feel about things, and it can make us do things we don t know we were going to do. Amber backs away. Brown: What s wrong? Amber: That s terrible. Suppose my subconscious makes me do something I don t want to do? Brown: Don t worry, Amber. It s all right. Amber: No. It s not all right. I don t want to have a subconscious that makes me do things. I want to control what I do. I have to control what I do from do from now on. Brown: Sure. That s how everyone feels, I guess. I do. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 10

Amber: And so do I! Brown: But sometimes acting on instinct is fine, too. Amber: OK. What do you see? Brown: In The Kiss? I ve seen it so many times I don t see anything anymore. Sort of like the grey in my hair or the freckles on my hand. You don t even see them after a while. Amber: So what did you think about it when you first saw it? They stand staring at the painting a while as Brown contemplates. Brown: I remember the first time I saw it, because of the fuss made about it. The Gallery paid over a half a million dollars for it. Amber: Half a mil. Wow. Brown: They paid taking into account what they think the painting will sell for sometime in the future. Amber: It should cost what good use you can make of it. We look at the Farmer s Almanac calendar on the wall everyday so s we know if it s the 15 th or the 16 th or whatever. Brown: They don t pay according to how functional it is, like what day it is. Amber: No. Is guess not. Maybe it should be worked out on what s the purpose of the painting. This one, by Pierre Mirror, it must reflect something to people. Brown: Or something about people. They say it s worth lots more now. Back then though, I just kept thinking how the hospital where my son was could have used that half million dollars. Amber: Did you have a sick child? Brown: He died of leukaemia the day the news about the Gallery buying The Kiss hit the press. He was only seven. That s why I hate The Kiss. To me, it s the kiss of death. I just keep thinking of how that money might have helped my son. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 11

Amber: Oh, Mr Brown. I m so sorry. That must have been terrible. Brown: Jack would have been about your age if he d lived. Amber: Do you want to go have a lunch now? I m fine here, Mr Brown. Brown: OK. I ll go. And, Amber, you don t have to call me Mr Brown. My name is Peter. Call me Peter. Amber: OK, Thanks, Peter. Have a nice lunch. Brown exits. Amber walks around looking at all the walls. She looks at her watch. She yawns. She returns to The Kiss. She puts her finger up to it and almost touches it, before pulling herself back. Black (woman, over 30) enters. Black: You see how easy it is? Amber: Miss Black! I wasn t going to touch it. Really. Black: I know. We all have wanted to touch, but we never do. Most pull back at the last second. I ve just popped down to tell you that I ve given Peter the rest of the afternoon off. Amber: He told me about his son. He died so young. Oh, that s not a secret or anything, is it? Black: No. It s all right, Amber. Everyone knows about it. I want you to come with me, Amber. Mr Auburn in Ancient Greek can cover both rooms. I want to show you something. Amber: What? Black: Come along to the stock room. They walk through the audience, down the aisle or around the audience and to another (imagined) room. Amber: Wow. Look at all this stuff. Black: Yes. We have lots of paintings stored. Hundreds. What do you think of this one? Amber: It s the same painting. It s The Kiss. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 12

Black: It was delivered to us yesterday. It s a forgery. When I saw you about to touch the real Kiss, I had an idea. Go ahead, Amber. Touch it if you want. Amber: Really? After all you told us about what happens when the oil on our fingers gets on paintings, why touch it? Black: This is a forgery. We re going to destroy it. Amber: Why would anyone paint another of the same painting? Wouldn t you want to paint something that was different, you know, paint your own thing? Black: Well, if I were able to paint, that s what I d want to do. But people paint forgeries so they can sell them for a great deal of money. Amber: But why would anyone buy a fake? Black: The Japanese collector who bought this didn t know it was fake, Amber. Amber: Then why didn t he buy the original if he wanted it? Black. He thought it was the original. It s a near perfect copy. Amber: Oh, I get it. So how did he find out it was a fake. Amber: He hosted a party and a professional art authenticator was there who d seen The Kiss here in Sydney. Amber: But how did they know if your Kiss wasn t the fake if it was a near perfect copy? Black: They didn t. That s why they shipped it here to Sydney, to compare the two. There s a whole world of people working to stop forgeries. Forgers often create false paper trails in order to make the work appear genuine. Experts can find the flaws in those documents. Experts can work out if the varnish was the same kind of varnish the original artist used. They analyse the brushstrokes. They use x-rays to see what s beneath the layers of paint. All sorts of things. With The Kiss, the kind The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 13

of stretcher wood used in the fake wasn t the kind of stretcher wood that Pierre Mirror used. The forger is now in prison. Amber: Why take such a risk. Why don t people just get jobs if they need money? Black: That s an interesting question, Amber. Touch the painting however you want to. I asked Peter Brown if he wanted to touch it. He gave it a little punch with his fist. Many people thought half a million dollars should be spent for something else, like hospitals or research. Anyway, after he punched it, he laughed. Amber: Why? Black: I thought it best not to ask. He just said he had to go to the art store, and left. Go ahead, Amber, touch it if you want to. Amber: Why? Black: It s an experiment for the training program. Touch a painting now and you ll probably never be tempted again. You ll also understand how difficult it is for some people not to touch the paintings. You must be kind to those who actually do it. You must speak to them firmly but gently. Sometimes they don t even know they re doing it. Touch it if you want. We have invited the media to watch us burn it. That will be a warning to artists who might paint forgeries. Amber touches the painting with her finger. Then she splays her hand and moves it over the surface of the painting. Amber: It wobbles. Black: It s canvas stretched over a frame. All canvasses react to pressure, quivering and bouncing ever so slightly. Like the skin of a drum. You can sometimes feel the warp and weft beneath your finger. Every viewer wants to rest the finger on a face or on a perfectly painted pearl necklace. Amber: If I close my eyes I can feel the thick bits and the bumps. Maybe I can feel the meaning. Hey, it would be fun for blind people to come in here The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 14

and do this, Miss Black. I wonder what they would say the painting is about. Black: We do have special days for the blind to come to feel the statues. Amber: Really: I bet they have a great time in the Ancient Greek room, with all those naked people. Amber cracks up, sees Ms Black maintaining her professional demeanour and so stops laughing. She sniffs it. Then she kisses it. Black: What do you think this painting tells us, whether it s the fake or the real one? What s it say to you? Amber: It says the artist likes blue and orange. My favourite colour is orange. Colours are important. Black: Yes, they are. Do you see anything else? Amber: I heard the teacher say maybe it s a woman kissing her elderly mother. I don t see that, but I m happy people see something more in it than I do. What do you see in it? Black: When it was first displayed in 1927, some people thought it was the Madonna and child. Others said it was Freudian, that it brought something out from our subconscious. Some said the artist painted it as a joke to see all the many interpretations people would make of it. Amber: Oh yeah. People who like orange like to joke around. How come the artist could paint such a perfect copy? Black: We think she surreptitiously took photos of the real Kiss, the one in our modern room, then came back to the gallery many times to study it. She painted the fake and then sold it to the Japan collector. Amber: But if the Japanese man who bought the fake liked looking at the painting, why send it here? Why not just keep looking at it? Black: He didn t buy it to look at. He bought it as an investment, expecting the price to go up. So, as you remember from training, one thing a The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 15

guard keeps an eye out for is someone studying a painting closely. He or she could be an artist who specialises in painting fakes. Amber: You bet, I ll keep my eye out, Miss Black. I don t like fake paintings or fake people. Black: All right then, you d better get back to the floor. I m sure you can manage the rest of the day on your own without Peter. And Mr Auburn is in the next room. Amber: I sure can, Miss Black. Black: Amber, it s Ms Black. Amber: Oh, Sorry. What should I be? Black: What do you mean? Amber: Am I a Ms or a Miss? Black: Amber, I can t advise you on that matter. It s entirely your decision. Go on now, back to the floor. Amber walks around the audience or as the director specifies, and returns to the modern room to find a young man carefully studying The Kiss. She stands nearby. The man begins to cry. Amber is concerned. The man wipes away tears. Amber instinctively whips out her own handkerchief and is about to hand it to the man when she looks at the security camera and knowing she shouldn t interact with visitors, she hesitates. But she can t stop herself and hands the man the handkerchief. He takes it. Crying man: Thank you. Amber: No worries. Crying man: I m so happy. Amber: Oh! Crying man: I m crying because I m happy. It s this painting. It s sort of ugly isn t it? Amber: I m not allowed to say. Crying man: It s ugly but not ugly. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 16

Amber: Is that why you re happy? Crying man: It makes me think how lucky I am. You see I had a wonderful girlfriend. Then I met this absolutely gorgeous woman at work and I fell for her. Because she is beautiful, and my girlfriend isn t, isn t beautiful. My girlfriend is just regular looking. And so I left my girlfriend for the girl at work. But it turned out she was already married and was just stringing me along, just teasing me. Then people told me she did that to every man in the place. I felt such a fool. Amber: So you re happy because you found out about the beautiful one? Crying man: No. Yes. I mean I m happy because my girlfriend took me back. She said she always knew her beauty was inside and that one day I d figure that out. So we re back together and I love her, both the beautiful inside and the regular outside. That s what this painting is all about. I don t usually go around crying in galleries. I m only here to fix the photocopier but thought I d see what an art gallery was, and found this painting. Honest, I don t usually cry and it s the first time I ve been in an art gallery. This painting, it s it s.. Well, it s Amber: It s open to interpretation? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 17

Scene 2 The Asian Room, the next day Amber is alone. She looks around for the security camera and finding it, smiles and waves at it. John and Monique (age 30 or over) enter. Monique wears a long coat. They stop to look at something. Monique leans to read the label. Monique: Close you eyes, John. Han Gan, a leading horse painter of the Tang dynasty, was known for portraying not only the physical likeness of a horse but also its spirit. This painting is a portrait of Night-Shining White, a favourite horse of the emperor Xuanzong. The fiery-tempered steed, with its burning eye, flaring nostrils, and dancing hooves, epitomizes Chinese myths that celestial horses were really dragons in disguise. John: I m guessing it s a monochrome white painting with ink shading and some line drawing without shading. It s probably around 1050 AD. Monique: Well done, John. Close. It s 1056. John opens his eyes. Amber wanders over to listen. John: I like that it s not just the horse, but also the spirit of the horse. I see that. I see the spirit in the work. This could be a good one, Monique. Monique: I like that people thought there was a dragon inside the horse. I see a dragon. Do you? John: Maybe that part there is a bit dragon like. Monique: I love it. Do you? John: I love it so much it is one I want to keep. Monique: You say that about every one of them. What about our next trip to London? The sale of this one would pay for it. John: OK. You re the practical one. We ll sell it. John looks around at the ceilings. He points out to Monique where the security camera is. Monique: It s certainly small enough to fit in the pocket. Should we risk it? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 18

Monique turns and sees that Amber is in earshot. She wants to lead John away. She speaks loudly so Amber will hear. Monique: Oh, and look at this one, darling. They move away to another painting. Amber follows them there. Monique gives Amber a fierce look. Amber moves to the other side of the room, out of earshot, but continues to watch them. Monique: She ll have to leave eventually. Even gallery guards have to use the facilities, or have a meal break. John: I love that painting. And it would be easy to sell. People love spirited horses. Monique: It s the risk. You love the risk more than you love the painting. John: Both. The painting, the risk, and you. I love you, my daring accomplice. Monique: Be serious. What s she doing now? John: She s staring at us. But we can risk it. Monique: We ve done it so often we re in danger of becoming cavalier about it. John: She s so young. We can trick her, Monique. Monique: But she keeps following us. And now she s staring at us. John: She s probably just bored out of her mind. Standing here all day, everyday. Monique: Let s just pretend we re looking at everything. (loudly now) This one. Close your eyes again. He closes his eyes. Monique (reading label): "One Hundred Horses" was drawn by Lang Shining in Qing Dynasty. Working as a court painter in China for over 50 years, his talent in painting was regarded highly by Chinese emperors. He helped to create a hybrid style that combined the Western realism with traditional Chinese composition and brushwork. John: You re trying to trick me. It s a scroll, probably late 18 th century. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 19

Monique: Yes! It s a metre wide and 8 metres long. You unroll it to see the rest. John: I d love to have that. Monique: John, really! Where would we put it? John: I know. I know. I was just dreaming. What s she doing now? Monique: Still looking our way. I know. You go over to her, stand on the other side of her so she has to turn away from me to look at you. Ask her where the toilets are. John: No. I can t ask her that. Monique: Why not? John: Well, she s a woman. I could ask a man, but not a woman. You do it. Monique: But I ve got the coat. Ask her where the restaurant is. John: I can do that. Are you ready? They walk back to the spirit horse painting. Monique opens the coat, revealing the large pocket inside. Monique: Yes. I ll slip it in, then go straight to the foyer and out. John: I ll meet you outside. We ll jump in a taxi. By the time she notices it s gone, we ll be home. He walks past Amber, and then speaks, expecting her to turn toward him, away from Monique. But Amber turns only slightly. John: Excuse me. Can you be so good as to tell us where the restaurant is? Amber: Sure. You go out the entrance to the Asian section, the way you came in, then turn right and there s the restaurant. You can t miss it. John: Thank you so much. Monique meanwhile is slipping the painting into the pocket when Amber sees her. Amber: Hey, what the hell are you doing over there? Monique runs. Amber runs after her. John runs away. Monique runs around the audience, or down the aisle. Amber follows. Amber is fast and catches up. She blows her whistle. John rushes to Amber. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 20

Amber: Stop. Look out. No, not There is a loud crash, sound of trays clattering, etc. Amber: Not the food trolley. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 21

Scene 3 Renaissance Room the next day Amber is staring at a painting. Ms Black enters, carrying newspapers. Black: Amber, have you seen the papers? Amber: No, not yet. Did they put something in about it? Black: You re famous, Amber. Amber: Yeah. Black: I m not sure you understand how important catching these two thieves is to the art world. Amber: Yeah? Black: The Sydney Morning Herald says Miss Green on just her first day working as a gallery guard foiled an attempted theft of a rare Chinese painting at the Art Gallery of NSW. And there s your photo, Amber. It s you in the Park. Amber: I didn t really want to talk to them, Ms Black. I know I m not supposed to talk to the media people. I really was just walking back to the Hostel when they kind of surrounded me. I only spoke to them to try to get them to leave me alone. I know you said in training we shouldn t talk to reporters about what happens at the gallery. Black: It s all right, Amber. The Art Gallery reports that Miss Amber Green noticed two gallery visitors acting suspiciously. When a man and a woman paid particular interest in a rare Chinese ink drawing, Gallery Guard Amber Green kept a keen eye on them. When the man tried to distract her by asking the location of the gallery s restaurant, the alert Miss Green noticed his accomplice pry the rare Chinese painting off the wall. Miss Green foiled the thief by accosting the woman. When her male accomplice attempted to force Miss Amber away, Green felled the man with one swift punch The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 22

Amber: No, I didn t punch him. The woman ran straight into the food trolley and fell over and the man then fell over her. The restaurant was in chaos. Black: forcing him to confess his attempt to steal the valuable painting. Green s quick wit, physical agility and acute knowledge of Gallery procedures foiled the audacious attempted theft. The thieves were well known to Galleries around the world. The Tate in London, the Prado in Madrid, the Metropolitan Museum in New York and many other iconic galleries have been on the look out for these thieves for over a decade. Amber: Wow. I never said all that stuff. Black: No, the Herald rang us, and our publicity department fleshed out the story. That a gallery guard on her second day on the job foiled the pair of infamous thieves, is testament to the excellent training provided by the Art Gallery. When confronted by the media as she walked home and asked how she felt about capturing a pair of world famous thieves, Miss Green said, If people need money so bad why didn t they just get a job like everyone else has to. Stealing is wrong. When asked if she liked the painting that the thieves attempted to snatch, Green said, It s a nice little painting by some Chinese guy. It s a picture of a spirited horse that has a dragon inside somewhere, though I can t see the dragon myself. Maybe others do. Amber: Did you like the spirited horse, Ms Black? Black: No, but I like spirited people, Amber. Let me read you the rest. Miss Green has a lot to say to the world. She said That painting was 1000 years old. People should respect things that are old, not try to rip them off the wall. Old stuff is important. Amber, you re famous. Everyone wants to hear more of your plain-speaking, point-blank humanistic unadorned philosophy of life. Amber: Huh? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 23

Black: The press is pressing for more. You have something to say to the world. The Women s Weekly want do an article on you. So does the Australian Art Collector. There s a bidding war between Channel 11 and Channel 5 to have an exclusive interview with you on television. The Museum of Modern Art in New York want to interview you. The Rivalong newspaper has been ringing all morning. Amber (panics): The Rivalong Inquirer? Did they say anything about my family? Black: I didn t take the call. The message I got only said they rang several times this morning. Amber: Let s not bother with the Rivalong Inquirer. The ones from overseas sound more important. Black: You are a clever girl. We have to prioritise all the media requests. The New York media will come first, Amber. We have to manage the bidding for exclusive photographs of you and of the interviews. The story will be big for only a week, and then it ll be out of the public eye. We have to follow up on this now before the story dies. So you re coming with me now to the publicity department. They ll train you. You and the Gallery will be on the international stage. Amber: Oh, I don t know, Ms Black. I had to sit around for a month in training already. Can t I just talk to the media? Black: I see your point. But it s part of your job to represent the Gallery properly. This is a prestigious institution and you re going to speak like a distinguished member of our staff. Amber: OK. I see your point, too. I ll do the media training. Black: Thank you, Amber. Amber: Yeah. I ll tell the papers I was glad I caught that thief, and that I didn t punch them. I ll tell them to get it right! The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 24

Black: Uh, OK, well, we won t let you talk to the press until after some training. We start now. We re going to take you off the floor and up to publicity. OK? Amber: OK. Black: How did you know they were thieves? Surely they didn t try to take it of the wall while you were looking at them. Amber: It s summer. Black: Yes, it s summer. Oh, I see. The woman was wearing a big coat. Amber: I thought they were going to be one of the fakers, you know, going to paint another picture of the horse. I thought that s why they studied the painting so long. But then I thought about the big coat. That s why I kept an eye on them. That, plus they didn t look stupid. Black: No, they aren t stupid. So? Amber: Well, he asked where the restaurant was and they would have passed it on the way into the Asian Room. I knew something was funny when he asked about it. Black: You are quite a clever girl, Amber. Come on, follow me. There s a team of media managers waiting for you. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 25

Scene 4 The Ancient Greek Room, two weeks later Amber is wandering around looking at the statues of male nudes. An old woman (OW) enters. She holds a magnifying glass. She walks from one statue to another studying them. She has to get up close to the labels to read them with her magnifying glass. One label is very low and she has to bend way down. Amber approaches the OW. Amber: Would you like me to read the labels for you? OW: Oh yes, dear, would you? Amber: Of course. A handsome young man (Charles) enters. He sees Amber helping the OW. Amber: Start with this one? OW: Yes, he s a good-looking one. Who is he? Amber: This ancient Greek sculpture was recovered from the Sea of Artemision and is believed to represent Zeus or Poseidon (pronounced wrong). OW: That s Poseidon (pronounced correctly), dear. Amber: OK. Poseidon. OW: That s right. Amber: There are still debates over the subject of this sculpture because if what the subject was holding was a thunderbolt, that rules out the possibility that it is Zeus. But if it is a missing spear 1, that would rule out the possibility that it is Poseidon. Oh yeah, I get it. He s holding something that s not there. OW: Yes. It was lost. His bolt of lightning or his spear would have to have been in his right hand. Amber takes the pose of the statue. Then OW takes the pose. 1 It is actually a trident but school children might not know that word. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 26

OW: Yes, that s it. So he s pointing to the thing he s about to spear and we have to imagine the spear. Amber: Unless it s a bolt of lightning. But then how do you sculpt a bolt of lightning? OW: Good point. I think it s a spear and he s about to catch his dinner. Let s move on to the next one. Amber: The Discobolus, by Myron, is a Greek sculpture that was completed toward the end of the Severe period, circa 460 450 BC. They told us in training that circa means round about. So this is round about 450 years before Jesus. OW: Ah, the famous Olympian discus thrower. Again, Amber takes the pose. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 27

The young man now takes an interest. Charles: Wait. The left hand goes on the other side of the right knee. See? He takes the pose. Then the OW takes the pose, too. Charles: That s right. OW: Thanks. And now the next one. The three of them walk to another sculpture. OW: Oh I don t like this one. The arms are missing. How about the next one? Amber: The Lady of Auxerre is a Cretan depiction of an archaic Greek goddess during the 6th century, Persephone (pronounced wrong). Charles: Persephone (pronounced correctly) Amber: OK. Persephone. OW: Are there any more males? Amber: No, there aren t. OW: I like looking at the male statues. They don t make men like they used to. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 28

Charles: The ancient Greek sculptors idealised the figures of men and women. People then looked pretty much like they do now. Amber and OW look Charles up and down. OW: I might go have my lunch now. I ve been walking around the gallery all morning. She misses a step or trips. Amber catches her arm. Amber: Are you all right, Madam? Do you want me to get you the wheelchair? We have wheelchairs and volunteer guides who can take you around the galleries. OW: Oh heavens, no. I m perfectly all right. Amber: OK. Have a nice lunch. I ve heard people say the smoked chicken salad is good. OW: Thank you for the recommendation, dear. I must say, I ve never seen a more helpful gallery guard. OW wanders out. Charles approaches Amber. Charles: That was very nice of you to read the labels for her. Amber: All part of the job. Charles: And the posing of the statues. That was fun. Amber: Yes. I really felt like I was holding the discus. I used to throw the discus at athletic carnivals at school. Charles: I bet you were good at it. Amber: I was. I liked the high jump best. Charles: Really? I liked the high jump best, too. Amber: I was the regional athletics champion. Charles: Where? What region? Amber: Rivalong. Charles: I don t know Rivalong. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 29

Amber: It s in western New South Wales. Charles: Good job helping the lady. Amber: Thanks. Enjoy your time at the Gallery. Charles and Amber wander around the room. From time to time their eyes meet and they quickly look away. They play a flirting game. Ms Black enters. She waits until Charles is out of earshot. Amber: Hi, Ms Black. Don t tell me there are more interviews to do. I thought we d finished them all. Black: We have, Amber. Amber: Good. I had to work hard to remember what I could and couldn t say. I hope I did OK for the Gallery. Black: You did very well, Amber. We re all grateful. But I ve come down for something else. Amber: What? Black: Security just alerted me to you and some visitors posing as the statues. I just watched you on the monitors. Amber: Yeah. That was good fun. Black: Amber, you shouldn t do that. You should not take the pose of the statues. It s undignified and totally against gallery procedures. Amber: OK. Sorry. I didn t see anything about that in the procedures manual. Black: We can t put everything in the procedures manual, Amber. We never thought any of the guards would ever do it. Amber: I think the lady liked doing it. Should I let the visitors do it? Black: Yes, people who come to the gallery can do it if they want to and it doesn t interfere with other visitors, or with the safety of the statues. Amber: OK. Black: And don t read labels for people. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 30

Amber: But she couldn t read them. Black: But you asked her if she wanted you to read them to her. You have to wait until someone asks you to do it. Then, if they do, and if it doesn t distract you from your security role, then I suppose you can do it. Amber: OK. Wait for them to ask before I read the labels. Black: But really only if they can t read the labels themselves. Amber: OK. Black: I ve got to get back to my office. Black turns to go. Amber takes a label that is very low on the wall off and is about to attach it higher. Black sees. Black: Amber! What are you doing? Amber: I m fixing it so people can see the label more easily. This one is too low for most people to read. Black: Amber, you do not move the labels. You do not even touch the labels. They are designed to be oriented in a specific way to the object they identify. Never touch a label. Give it to me. Amber hands her the label. Black puts it back where it was. Amber: I was just trying to make it easier for people. Maybe we should have one of those information sheets like they have at the old Rivalong gaol. You take one as you come in and walk around with it and it tells you everything about all the old stuff there. That would work. What do you think, Ms Black? Black: People should just read the labels. We re not passing around lots of pieces of paper with information on it. That would create clutter. That would mean lots more work for the designers. And we re very busy, particularly now that the whole world is finding out about us. Amber: You mean because of all that publicity about catching the two thieves? The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 31

Black: Yes, Amber. We re exceptionally busy now and we don t have time to even think about information sheets. Let s just keep the same system we have at the moment. Let people just read the labels. We have a well-stocked bookstore and if people want to know more about Ancient Greek statues or about modern painting or about any art, they should go there and read a book about it, or buy the book. Understand? Amber: I ve been in that bookstore. It s really good. I read up about the surrealists and about the Renaissance and lots of other things. They ve got big books with huge illustrations of everything. Fold out pages of big paintings, too. I m saving up to buy some of them, because not everything is in this gallery. There are so many things at other places, like New York and London. Black: I do know that, Amber. Amber: I would love to go those places one day. Black: Maybe one day you will. I ve got to get back now. No more posing like the statues, OK? Amber: OK. Black: No more reading labels unless someone asks you to. Amber: OK. Black: And definitely no more moving the labels. Amber: OK. But they should really be higher so people don t have to lean down so far. Black: Amber! We are not changing the orientation of the labels. Amber: OK. Black exits. Charles has heard everything. Charles: I ll buy you one of the art books. From the gallery s shop. Amber: No, thank you. Charles: Please. It would be my pleasure. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 32

Amber: No, thank you. Charles: How about the one with foldout pages? Amber: No, thank you. Charles: She was a bit tough on you. Amber: I like Ms Black. She s a very busy woman so I want to make life easier for her. Charles: Come on; let me buy you a book. Please. Amber: Look, I earn my own money. Nobody has to buy anything for me. Charles: You re the one who caught the two thieves, aren t you? Amber: Yes. Charles: You re famous. Amber: Famous for a week anyway. Charles: Did you like doing all the interviews, especially on television? Amber: Seemed like a lot of fuss. I had to go to a makeup department, then have my microphone sound checked. I had someone who drove me all over the city to all these various studios. Charles: Let me take you to dinner and I can tell you all about the exciting world of art thieves and forgery. Amber: Since you ve come to look at the art, you d better do that. Charles: I see. Amber: But thanks for the offer to buy a book. That was nice of you. Charles: You re welcome. Well, I think Ms Black was a too tough on you. (Amber says nothing) You were only trying to help that lady. And an information sheet is a good idea. (Amber says nothing) You re not going to talk to me anymore, are you? (Amber says nothing). Charles wanders away. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 33

Scene 5 The Australian Room, a week later Amber stands perfectly still for about a minute (facing out to the audience). She sees someone coming. She waves solemnly. Then she opens her arms in a gesture of greeting. A pregnant woman (Karen, Amber s sister) walks into Amber s open arms. Amber: So you found me. Karen: We saw you on the TV. I hardly recognised you, Amber. You sounded so distinguished. You looked nice, too. Really nice. And so calm. Amber: Yeah, they gave me calmness training. Karen: After we saw you on TV I went to the library to read the Sydney papers. There s a big article about you, and the thieves you caught. It said you punched one. Amber: No, I never punched them. Once one paper said I punched him they all said it. They ran into the food trolley in the restaurant. The city papers are a bad as the Rivalong Inquirer. Karen: How d you get a job here? You don t know anything about art. Amber: I think it helped being an athletics champion. You have to be strong to stand all day. Did you drive? How long did it take to get here? Karen: Yeah, six hours. I left at five this morning. You should have told us where you were, Amber. We ve been so worried. You didn t say anything. Just left. Amber: But I always told you I was going to go. Karen: But you didn t even say goodbye. Amber: I didn t want you to try to talk me out of leaving. And I didn t want to have to explain myself. I was sick of all that, having to explain myself. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 34

Karen: I can understand that, Amber. It s OK. You ve done very well for yourself. Amber: I love it here, Karen. Karen: I m so proud of you, Amber. Amber: Odd thing to say to a thief. Karen: Nobody even talks about it anymore. Everyone has forgotten about it. Amber: Except for Mum. I did it for her, for the family. But she said she d never forgive me. Remember? Karen: It didn t help that you said you d do it again if she needed money, but you d find a place that didn t have a security camera. Mum didn t like you saying that. Amber: You know I didn t mean it. I was just yelling. At everyone. Karen: I showed her the newspaper article about you. The place where you say stealing is wrong. Mum liked you said that. She blames herself for you leaving. She misses you, Amber. We all do. You can come home. Amber: It s too late. I m different. I ve got a nice room looking over a park. I don t have to cook. I don t have to share a room. It s too late. Karen: No, it s not. Amber: Let s talk about you, Karen. Bub is really showing. Karen: I m four months now. You ll come back to see us after the baby comes, of course. We ll organise a proper homecoming. You ll have to come. Amber: I might not be here. Karen: Where? Here in Sydney? Amber: My line manager told me that when something happens and you get in the news, you have to act fast to take advantage of it. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 35

Karen: What s a line manager? Amber: Someone who keeps you in line. Ms Black says that after a couple of weeks everyone will have forgotten about me catching the thieves. Karen: I won t forget. Amber: The world will forget. The world will move on to the next big thing. Karen: So come on, tell me. Where will you be? Amber: I don t know yet. Maybe nothing will come of it, but maybe someplace else. Karen: But where? How? Amber: I can t talk about in here, in the Gallery. Karen: Where can we talk? And I want you to help pick the name for my baby. Amber: I finish at 6 tonight. Can you meet me out the front then? I know a little place we can get a decent meal. Karen: Yeah. That sounds good. Amber: You re staying overnight, aren t you? Karen: I m driving back tomorrow morning. Amber: Where are you staying? Karen: At the Hostel on the park. Because I read that s where you live. Amber: Excellent. Karen: Hey, I recognise that painting. Amber: This is the Australian Room. That one is Tom Roberts, Shearing of the Rams, painted in oil on canvas, 1890. Karen: You even talk different now. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 36

Amber: I ve memorised the labels so I can tell people what they say. Shearing the Rams was on the cover of our high school Australian history book. Karen: Oh, yeah. Now I remember. I ve seen that one, too, Amber: McCubbin s Down on his Luck, and over there, Wither s Panning for Gold. Karen: What should I do before we meet at six? Amber: Head down to Market Street to see the shops. They re amazing. Karen: I don t have money to buy anything. Amber: I know what you can do. You haven t seen an ocean. I have now. Ask anyone where to get the bus to Bondi Beach and go see the Pacific. Karen: The ocean. Yeah, I ll do that. See you at six. Karen exits. Amber looks anxious. She walks to a painting, holds up her hand as if she is painting a sheep. Amber: Baa baa. She wanders to the next painting and also pretends to paint. A man in shearer s attire enters (beard, braces and crumpled shirt). He stands in front of Shearing the Rams and stares at it for some time. He wanders to other paintings then returns to Shearing the Rams. He goes very close to it and Amber is about to ask him to step back, when he moves back from it to look at it from a distance. He exits. Ms Black enters. Black: Hello, Amber. The Kiss of the Gallery Guard Carol Dance 050618 37