Lillenas Drama Presents Judge Mental from Under The Circumstances By Torry Martin CAST: Approximate running time: 8 minutes JUDGE MENTAL: a Southern judge in a black flowing robe BAILIFF (Bobby Ray): Southern, immature, wears a badge LEON MAKOWSKI (defendant): dressed casually SYNOPSIS: Judge Mental reigns over the Court of Popular Opinion. Leon Makowski is about to see exactly what happens to a person who dares to break tradition in the church. In the world of Judge Mental and bumbling bailiff, Bobby Ray, breaking tradition is breaking the law. A very humorous lesson on judging others and dealing with tradition in the church. Here comes da judge! SETTING: Courtroom PROPS: Gavel Desk Chair Earring (pierced or clip, your choice) Fake tattoo (or you could be a dedicated actor and get a real one) BAILIFF (to congregation): All rise! (If they don t rise, BAILIFF will persist until they do!) The Court of Popular Opinion is now in session. The Honorable Judge Mental is now presiding. (BAILIFF stands still; the JUDGE enters.) JUDGE (shuffles papers on desk, looks at congregation, and then hits gavel): You may be seated. Docket No. 92, The Church vs. Leon Makowski. Is the defendant present? LEON (seated in the congregation, he rises): Yes, your Honor. JUDGE: Do you have yourself some representation?
LEON: No, I don t, your Honor. JUDGE: Good, cause it wouldn t matter none anyhow. (Holds up sheet of paper) Approach the bench, boy! (LEON does so.) Son, you ve got a rep sheet a mile long! LEON: Don t you mean a rap sheet? JUDGE: No, I mean a rep sheet, as in reputation. LEON: What reputation? Who would say anything about me? JUDGE: According to this, the complaints were filed by members of your own church. LEON: My church? They don t even know me, at least they never talk to me. JUDGE: Of course they don t talk to you, just look at yourself. (A beat) But they are talking about you. (Hits gavel) I rule, guilty as charged! LEON: What? Wait a minute, aren t you even going to tell me what I m guilty of? JUDGE: Don t need to, don t have to, don t want to. Next! LEON: Just a moment, Sir. According to the law, I am allowed to have a fair hearing, and I insist on receiving one. If you don t read me my charges and have a fair trial, I m going to call every Christian magazine publisher in the country and inform them of my ill treatment. JUDGE: Bailiff! (BAILIFF appears.) What time does the lunch buffet at Giant John s end? BAILIFF: 2 P.M., your Honor. You still have 15 minutes. JUDGE (to LEON): That means you only have 10 minutes. Very well, the charges are as follows: You ve got one count of wearing shorts to church on the Fourth of July, and... LEON (interrupts): Whaaat? What s wrong with wearing shorts to church? It was 97 degrees outside, and I was going straight to the picnic afterward. They weren t even indecent; my shorts came down to my knees! JUDGE: Doesn t matter. Failure to wear proper Christian attire is a crime punishable with a mandatory three years of active church latrine service. LEON: I don t understand what the problem is with my shorts! I didn t see anything wrong with them. Could you explain to me what s wrong with a Christian wearing a decent pair of shorts to a service? JUDGE: Oh, come on! How long have you been a Christian, boy? LEON: Two years. JUDGE: Two years! You ve been a Christian for 24 months and you thought it was OK to go prancing around in your underwear during a Sunday morning service!
LEON: First of all, they were knee-length khaki shorts, not underwear. Second of all, I don t prance! JUDGE: I m tired of your snotty-nosed, namby-pamby attitude! One more outbreak like that and I ll hold you in contempt! LEON: I think you already do. JUDGE: Let me lay down the law for ya, son. It doesn t matter why you were wearing shorts or what kind of shorts they were, it s just simple logic. See if ya can follow my reasoning: S shorts, S sin, S Satan, got it? LEON (incredulous): You ve got to be kidding! JUDGE: I do not kid around when it comes to matters of garment wearing. This second charge states that you have consistently appeared in public pews wearing denim pants! BAILIFF (teasing, sing-song voice): You re in trouble! You re in trouble! LEON: I can t believe this. What s wrong with denim? JUDGE: D denim, D demons, D devil. Nuff said! LEON: Is everyone crazy around here? JUDGE: The only thing crazy around here is your taste in church fashion. This next charge states that you have worn Adidas sneakers on at least two occasions. How do you respond? LEON: Let me guess, A Adidas, A Angel of Darkness, A (a beat) Antichrist. JUDGE: I see you are familiar with the law after all. You have just proven your own guilt. Too bad, so sad. LEON: This is nuts! You re going to convict me because I wore shorts or denim and sneakers? (A beat) I could see it if I wore stripes with plaids, but anything beyond that is madness. JUDGE (noticing earring): Is that a pierced ear you have? Get over here! (LEON approaches JUDGE.) That s an earring! Hey, Bailiff, we got us a sissy boy! LEON: Just because a man has an earring, that does not make him a sissy! JUDGE: Bailiff, what do you think? BAILIFF (teasing with a sing-song voice): Sissy, sissy, sissy! LEON: In biblical times men wore earrings to signify that they were servants to a specific individual. My earring is in the shape of a cross to show I am a servant of Christ. JUDGE: E Earring, E Evil one, E (thinking) Environmentalist!
BAILIFF: A tree-hugging, granola-head sissy boy! That s what he is! We don t like your kind around here! JUDGE (angry): Bobby Ray, stop that teasing! (A pause, then teases LEON also) You might make him cry. Are you gonna cry, sissy boy? LEON: I am not a sissy! (Angrily) How many sissies have you ever seen with a tattoo like this! (Shows a tattoo on his arm) (JUDGE and BAILIFF gasp loudly in unison.) BAILIFF: Sissy boy s got himself a tattoo. JUDGE: That s it! T Tattoo, T Tempter, T Transgressor, T Tacky, T Twenty years! (Hits gavel) Guilty! LEON: Twenty years! You can t put me in jail for 20 years! JUDGE: Oh, you re not going in jail, son. You re going to the balcony. We can t have your kind sitting in the front row at a church! People would think that Jesus would accept just anyone! That is unacceptable. Next thing you know, everyone will start thinking that it wasn t your outside appearance that mattered! LEON: God is more concerned with our inside condition, not our outside appearance. We re saved by grace through faith! JUDGE: Well, you re going to the balcony through the foyer. LEON: No. (A beat) I m going to another church through the front door. (LEON walks out.) JUDGE (to BAILIFF): Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say! BAILIFF: It s prawn day at the buffet. We d better get going if we re gonna make it. JUDGE: Prawn day! Ooooo doggie. Let s git! (Hits gavel) Case dismissed, court s adjourned! BAILIFF: All rise! (The congregation rises and the two exit.)
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