No matter how much her condition took from her, those familiar eyes remained,

Transcription

1 And She Was Loved By Lauren Stone No matter how much her condition took from her, those familiar eyes remained, always sparkling and shining and singing her name. Nothing in this world could have stolen that. It may have taken her body one inch at a time, but the most meaningful parts of her remained intangible, hidden behind lock and key. I suppose those were the things about Elena I fell in love with. It was not her tall body, nor her soft brown hair, nor her gentle touch. I fell in love with something much deeper, more profound. With every day that her body grew farther from the one I once knew, the more I learned, the more I understood how insignificant it really was. I loved her no less. If anything, I loved her more. She taught me every moment of every day that her soul is what I long for, what I crave. Her soul enveloped me like the soft cocoon of a blossoming butterfly. Her soul transformed me into that inquisitive child who saw no evil, who knew no difficulty, and who believed that the world was only as big as the eye could see. Absent of her body, Elena was the person I strived to be. And damn, I loved her irrevocably and with no hesitation or selfishness. I quietly stared up at the beautiful expanse above me, realizing humans are just a speck in comparison. Our significance is of no value in the scheme of life. We come into this world with nothing but an ardent hope of being loved by another person and a yearning potential to be something extraordinary. Being with Elena for almost seven years, I had felt both loved and extraordinary. Because of her, I could feel heaven without even trying. She had wanted to die alone, surrounded only by the pictures of those she loved.

2 For her, being a burden was too much to ask of a person, and so she hid it, for so long she did. I came home to my love s tearstained cheeks, my heart begging for an answer to her clandestine pain. Right then, she snapped. Take what s yours and leave, She sobbed in a fit of rage. And so I did. In three long strides I had made my way over to her, scooping her up in my arms before she could even protest. She was mine, all I needed in life. Angrily she shouted at me as I stepped outside with her still in my hold. You don t understand, Colin, Elena cried, I m going to die. Okay? She didn t even have to finish. I knew. And even with that knowledge, I chose to stay because I loved her, more than any human had ever loved another, to the point that maybe that love was too great for her body s capacity, and so it could no longer handle its depth. Every day I pray that that is the reason...that I had given her too much and not too little. Nearly a month after Elena s fatal diagnosis, her hair fell out clump by clump, beginning only on the right side at first. The cravings for food grew absent and the bruises along her spine multiplied as though overnight they had given birth to a new litter. I had to beg her to drink water and take short walks around the house to keep her legs awake and healthy. When I moved to turn out the lamp on my bedside table just days later, I felt Elena scramble from the bed frantically. She stumbled, clutching her abdomen moments prior to grabbing at the nearest dresser for support, all in a state of panic. Her arms flailed as she tried to find something to keep her standing, but it all failed. Her legs

3 suddenly gave out from under her body, sending her right to the unforgiving wood floor. Elena, I shouted in complete shock and alarm. Red vomit cascaded from her lips, smothering the floor in front of her knees. There was so much blood that my heart raced in terror. I was right beside her on the floor, reaching my hand forward to hold her hair out of her face comfortingly, but no sooner had I touched her locks did I pull back. Something was not right. A thick clump of hair sat in my palm, so solemnly, so innocently. I could hear as her nails scratched the wood floor desperately, the vomit splattering all over her hands and chest. She craned her neck to look at me with an expression that emanated shame and embarrassment, all while holding back tears. Droplets occasionally dribbled from her mouth hanging agape, her lungs panting vigorously through the shock. Colin, She whispered wearily, too weak to speak any louder. It s okay, I snapped, panicking, even though I had to keep calm. Her palms were planted on the floor, bracing her trembling arms. I held her delicate locks back as a small squirt of vomit again spewed from her. The contractions of her stomach heaved and churned until Elena s arms finally collapsed. My hands snatched her body before it could plummet to the wet wood below, the action knocking the wind right out of her already tired lungs. I turned my body and dragged her backward and away from the blood so that I could comfort her. Cupping her face in my palms, I forced her to look at me. Her eyes drooped, barely staying open enough to glance in return. I m going to fix this, okay? You have to trust me, Ellie. I pushed her hair back

4 out of her face. Her lips were dry except for the crimson blood, parted in a sleeplike state and panting the horrid scent of human retch. I kissed her temple, trying to keep myself from losing sanity. Already, I could see that there was no point in trying to salvage her sodden nightgown, so I used it as a bib, wiping the vomit from her mouth. She didn t fight me, closing her eyes instead and allowing a tear to trickle down her temple. I felt her neck snap backward when I retracted my hand from the base of her skull, just long enough to disrobe her body. My hands pulled the fabric right over her head, and Elena softly grunted. The nightgown was chucked aside right before I returned the support of my palm to the back of her head so that it no longer dangled toward the floor. The fear that pumped through my blood was so strong, as if soaking into the crevices of my soul. I took the time to wipe the remaining mess from her skin, trying to keep her from crying in the process. When I finally laid her silhouette onto the mattress, the sheets cradled her soothingly. Colin? She quietly begged, reaching out to touch my face. I m right here I choked up. Good, She cried, closing her eyes. Don t go. I won t, baby. I m rright here, I whispered, stroking her cheekbone. Another clump of hair fluttered down when I touched her, and I held the liberated

5 lock in my hand. The clenching of my throat created a blockade for my lungs, but I felt each individual strand between my fingers, and it soothed me for just a moment. She was already asleep by the time I moved to clean up the mess on the floor. The smell was becoming overwhelming, not to mention the gruesome sight, more like a crime scene than a bedroom full of warmth and succor. Quickly, I grabbed some rags out of the linen closet. Colin, Elena whimpered from the bed when I was washing out the cloths. Her voice pulled me back into reality, I suppose. My fingers relaxed, dropping the rag in my hand, as if too tired to continue. The fabric slapped against the bowl, and I immediately shut the flowing water off. As I walked, I used the hand towel to dry my shaky palms. I m right here, I whispered in her ear once I was beside her on the bed, grabbing her waist and pulling her against me beneath the white sheets. Her body was surprisingly warm when it brushed my chest. She sniffled a little, but folded her lanky arms around me in relief. For some time I carefully kissed her neck, holding her closer against me and humming softly. It was a peaceful moment for us. Do you still have that bucket list? There was only one thing on it, She mumbled. What is it? I questioned, only to realize she had drifted off to sleep. Rhythmically, her chest rose and fell, like the tide attacking the shore before receding back into the endless ocean. How inexplicably amazing it was to see the face of death, to feel its fingers reaching out for you, and yet finding the strength within yourself to turn away. Sometimes we can choose whether to stare into the darkness, we

6 can choose whether to be afraid. I chose to keep my eyes fixed on the glow that enveloped Elena s soul. No light could be stronger, nor more effectively lit than that of a heroine. Still, some mornings were heartbreaking, times when Elena would beg for reassurance. Am I still beautiful? She whispered against my face, just inches away. Yes, baby. You are so, so, so beautiful, I told her. Always. I scrunched what was left of her long, brown hair, moving it so that I could capture her lips gently. She smiled, closing her eyes. I could see that the tears had gathered along the seal, trapping the droplets before they could escape. You need to eat, I hummed to her. No more, Colin, She begged, opening her eyes just as a tear fell from her waterline. I m sorry. I can t let you ddie. Finally I broke down. I protectively yanked her against me. I couldn't take another moment of it. She was turning into a corpse with every passing breath. Her eyes sunk deeper into her eye sockets, her touch grew colder, the light in her face flickered, fading more each day. Elena comforted me as I cried, a single tear track etched on my cheek. I felt her fingers brush my hair, and those dry lips planted themselves on my head every once in a while with the sweetest kisses humanly possible. ~~~~~~~~~~ Our first night in hospice had given me this inexplicable happiness. I swear Elena

7 could see it in the creases of my forehead, she could feel how relaxed my touch felt when I caressed her cheek. That cramped bedroom forced our bodies even closer. Any witness could feel our love, like some kind of dust cloud flooding the space. Even as she shut her tired eyes, she showed me a smile. The flimsy mattress squeaked as I sat my ass down on the side of the bed. I pulled the fabric of my shirt over my head, finally feeling how freeing it was. I had worn my jeans for so long now, that they felt a part of me and in some respects, it felt foreign to be without them. As quietly as possible, I pulled off my boots, letting them gently clunk to the floor. By then I had thought Elena was fast asleep, but to my surprise, her fingers abruptly raked my bare back. I remember gasping at the touch of her chilled fingertips and the way they skimmed the nerves along my spine. Let me see, She had begged. I paused for just a second, unsure. My breathing grew ragged the longer she traced patterns on my flesh, waiting impatiently for me to obey her. Slowly I stood up, gliding along her hand as I rose. So much of me was exposed to her, crevices of, not only my physical being, but my soul too. In some way, I believe she saw more of me in that moment than I had ever let anyone. That moment was one of the most beautiful, irrevocable experiences I had ever known in all my life. There was nothing sexual about it. It was innocent and mesmerizing and inconceivable. I turned toward her finally, and Elena was in a different universe. It was as though she had read my spirit. Beautiful, She whispered, reaching her hand out to brush my chest. I let her touch me. I let her have me in any capacity she wanted. For some

8 immeasurable time, she kissed my skin, she tickled her breath across me, she absorbed me, until finally she had memorized every freckle and hair follicle. Her illness didn t dominate her that night. She was her own person and she chose what to do with her body. From the edge of the bed, she stood on her knees, encompassing my waist so selflessly. She rested her cheek softly on my chest and I just held her. I held her for so long, watching the moonlight illuminate her. Her skin was like silk as I swayed her. Left. Right. Left. Right. I remember it all so well, even the moment my lips sunk down into the column of her throat. Naturally, her thinning locks fell away to make room for my wandering pout until the warmest moan could echo from her. I kissed her cautiously as her fingers continued running trails up and down my abdomen. II need to lie down, Her voice crumpled. I could feel her thighs trembling from fatigue, and I carefully helped her lay herself across the bed. As her skin quivered, I climbed up beside my angel, pressing myself to her within seconds. She forced a smile for my sake, but I knew how much she hated her sparse vitality. Even in her pain and drowsiness, she held her eyes open to look at me. I will never forget that stare. I felt my heart pump more vigorously, enough for me to let go of all control, to just appreciate how much I loved her. Close your eyes for me, baby, I finally whispered. Slowly, those lids fell shut and she surrendered herself to her dreams. At least in her dreams she couldn t feel pain, she couldn t feel the bitterness of dying. She was

9 strong. She could run. She could find solace. Every time she closed the windows to her soul, I reminded myself that she was free, and that if she never opened them again, she would no longer have to know imprisonment or pain or restriction. That belief was the only thing that kept me sane. Yes, that perfect night with Elena was the only reason I still believe in a merciful god. ~~~~~~~ Then, as if everyone had been expecting it, the day came when the birds silenced and the skies drowned the earth in tears. She was surrounded by her family, her hand resting solemnly in mine. In the last hours, there was no pain to be felt or regrets to be acknowledged. She was unafraid, those doe eyes as warm as I had always remembered them to be. The slight wrinkles around her lids smiled vivaciously back at me, and in her I still saw the youth of her soul. Every line had a story, an adventure we had journeyed together. It had been a beautiful day, and yes there were tears, but each person knew that her life was one of the most fulfilling of anyone they had ever known. Her parents arrived early that morning to comfort us in the last moments. With them they brought peace and the acceptance I needed. For years, we had been drowning, and only then had we all realized that without her here we would return to the water s surface, merely to discover that the world above wasn t as fulfilling as we had expected it to be. Drowning reminded us that we were alive. It allowed us to fight for something. It allowed us to sincerely feel our hearts thump against our ribs. Only drowning in Elena s love could we know what it truly meant to live. I feel it, Her lips mumbled as she traced the palm of my hand.

10 I know. My throat closed in, constricting at my own admission. She could feel it in the depths of her soul that it was her time. Nature paid her thirtyone beautiful years, and still, it seemed it would never be enough. Was I selfish to ask for more? Was I selfish for wanting forever? Losing Elena was just too horrible to bear. I pulled her against my chest firmly, and I held her for the longest time. Will it hurt? She whispered shakily. To watch me leave? Yes, baby, but it will be nowhere near as painful as being without you, I choked, No amount of anguish could ever compare to that. Throughout the day, the battery of her heart drained little by little. She chose to die on our bed, enveloped in the sheets we had shared for so long. Her thinning hair was braided down her back as best her mother could, with flowers sprouting from the entwined strands. People stumbled in and out of the sunlit room to say their farewells, and eventually the space grew vacant again. Then, it was just the two of us for some immeasurable period, a perfect semblance of peace and love poisoning the air. Dance with me, She beckoned in her words. A smile fell onto my lips as I gently scooped up her tall, lanky body and carried her to the center of our room. I set her pale feet onto the hardwood below so that she could hold me for balance as I searched my phone for our song. I set the device on the dresser and returned my arms to her skinny frame until we were one being. I can still remember every footstep from the first dance at our wedding, every breath we took as we swayed to the song all those years ago. Our hearts had been planning a lifetime together, and now, to our dismay, fate was forcing them apart.

11 Even as she tucked her face into my neck, I could not speak a word. I held her so tightly, so possessively, even as the tears threatened to betray me. Light engulfed our silhouettes from the sun s rays that poured in that day, and it would be the last time they ever did. Maybe my broken heart no longer wanted to see that light, not without Elena there to see it too. I ll love you every tomorrow for forever, I hummed through my emotion. Don t cry. I felt her fingers skim my cheeks for tears. Do you want me to die in a rain storm? We both chuckled warmly at that, and her smile grew wider and wider, just like an eagle spreading his wings to soar. Maybe she was the one who was ready to go. Maybe it was just me who wasn t. Who was I to shackle her to the earth? I love you, Ellie, I said without hesitancy, without so much as a tremor of my voice. She sighed in complete appreciation, resting her head on my chest once again as she moved her toes across the floor. I could never grow tired of hearing you say that to me, She laughed, nuzzling my shirt with her nose. And that laugh turned into silence and thereafter, a gasp. Her hand shot up to cup her chest while her body slumped forward, and she cried out my name. I held her up with my protective arms, resisting the gravity that wished to steal her from my hold. Elena, I whimpered, I ve got you, baby. Ultimately, our last journey together was the short walk to the bed. We placed each of our feet one in front of the other and relished in the feel of our fingers locked on each other. Eventually we ran out of flooring, and so finally there was nothing left

12 to fear. We laid together, and when it grew clear that her last breaths were just moments away, our families trickled into the room again. They were all there, everyone who had loved her. My face was just inches from Elena s, and I closed my lids, concentrating on each breath as it fanned my skin. Tears soaked the pillow beneath my cheek, but I never lost track of her lungs. I could even feel her ribcage press against me with every intake, and the sensation made me feel alive. It made me feel human again. Soon, the rain began to pound outside, the skies dark with mourning. Colin, She uttered so quietly. Yes, baby? Her fingers moved to hold my face. I only wish that every person could know as much happiness as you have given me. She laughed with tears speeding downward. I wish they could hold it in their hands for just a second. Just to know what it feels like to be loved completely. This world will never be whole without you, but please know, neither will I, Elena. I can t be, not when you are my world. Colin, She whispered with a smile. She looked right at me, and in those eyes, I knew she was saying goodbye. I nodded as if I understood and her body froze just like that, with her doe eyes gazing into my soul and the corners of her lips pointing up at heaven. Grumbled cries rang out in that room, faces pained with loss. A sob bubbled up in my chest, fighting to escape. She was gone. One moment she was alive, the next she wasn t. So softly, I brought my trembling fingers up to her face to close her lids for her, but for just a second I paused to look one last time.

13 I love you, I warbled, the sob finally finding its way out. For so long, no one dared to move while I closed Elena s eyes permanently. People patted my shoulder before they left to return to the beauty of their lives. Only I remained, and in the last minutes in that room, I noticed the notebook peeking out from beneath her pillow. As I reached for it, my sobs paused. The spiral of the pad was bent, the pages creased and rolled on the corners. The first page was labeled Bucket List. I skimmed the dark cursive with its wild loops and winding letters before moving my attention down the page impatiently, as if the message would disappear so soon. 1. To die in Colin s arms Right beside it, the biggest red check mark seemed to rise from the paper. It felt right. With Elena, everything had always felt right, but now I was sure of it. A smile found its way to my lips, and with some unknown force, I uttered my final goodbye to her. Even that physically hurt, but I was ready now. Elena was ready, and I must have been too. They say the most arduous thing we re forced to do in this life is to say goodbye. How you do it, no one knows, but for those who have done it, no words could ever express.